Weak boundaries teach others how to treat you

Reader

Your team just pulled off the impossible. Again.

You worked through Christmas. You delivered despite telling them it couldn't be done. You went off sick with stress.

And then the deadline got moved anyway.

Congratulations. You've taught your leadership exactly what they need to know: you'll complain, but you'll always cave.

The Impossible Project

I was recently talking to a CTO who was absolutely furious.

He'd been brought into a project at the last minute. By the time his team got involved, so much was missing and messed up. The workload was almost impossible.

He told leadership: "This project is impossible. We cannot hit this deadline."

They pushed back. It has to hit the deadline.

His team did everything they could. Worked through Christmas. He went off sick with stress.

They delivered.

And then the deadline got moved. Because other teams who'd been involved from the start couldn't deliver.

The Question

I asked him: "It sucks that they didn't listen to you. But how much of this is your fault?"

He looked at me, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"You didn't hold firm. You caved. And you've created a reputation: you might complain, but you'll deliver anyway."

If every time you push back and yet still get it done, all they ever know is that you deliver.

Your complaints become noise, not data.

This is The Intention Gap at work. The space between the boundary you say you have and the boundary you actually hold. Between your words and your actions.

Look at what happened: You went off sick. Your team burned out over Christmas. And the deadline moved anyway.

There was movement. But your boundary wasn't strong enough to access it.

"Who Cyaah Hear Mus Feel"

There's a Jamaican proverb: "Who cyaah hear mus feel."

In English: "Those who don't hear must feel."

When people won't listen to your words, they have to feel the consequences.

You need to make them feel. Not through complaints. Not through stress. Through held boundaries.

The Pattern

Last week I talked about leading from possibility, not safety.

This is the other side of that coin.

Safety says: "Let me not push too hard. Let me just get it all done."

But at what consequence? Your health. Your team's wellbeing. Your credibility.

Leading from possibility means being bold about your vision. But it also means being firm about your boundaries.

You can't lead boldly if you cave under pressure.

Here's what this looks like in practice:

You set clear priorities for the week. Then someone comes with an urgent request. You know it'll derail everything. You know your team is stretched.

But you say yes anyway.

And you do it again the next week. And the week after that.

If you're doing the Monday/Wednesday/Friday stillness practice from two weeks ago, you'll see this pattern clearly:

• Monday: You set your focus.
• Wednesday: You've already been pulled off track.
• Friday: You didn't hit your actual goals because you said yes to things you should have said no to.

That pattern? That's data. Data you can act on.

That's how you grow in your leadership. Not by doing more. By holding firmer.

Where Are You Compromising When You Shouldn't Be?

• Not "Where am I working hard?" You already know that.
• Not "Where am I stretched?" You're always stretched.
• Where are you compromising when you shouldn't be?
• Where are you saying yes when you should be saying no?

Where are you caving under pressure and teaching people that your boundaries don't actually matter?

And who is that truly affecting?

You? Your team? Your health? Your ability to actually lead?

Every time you cave, you're not being a team player. You're teaching people how to treat you.

Every time you deliver despite saying it's impossible, you're reinforcing that your words don't match your actions.

The Work

Use your Monday/Wednesday/Friday practice to track this:

• Monday: What's one thing you need to say no to this week?
• Wednesday: Have you held that boundary, or have you caved? What does that tell you?
• Friday: Did your actions match your stated priorities, or did you compromise again?

This is how you build leadership capacity. Not by doing more. By being firmer.

Not by working harder. By protecting better.

Not by delivering the impossible. By making people feel the consequence when they won't listen.

One Question for This Week:

• Where are you compromising when you shouldn't be, and who is that truly affecting?

Most leaders know where they're caving. Few actually hold the line.

Hold firm. Lead well.